I am a firm believer in doing the best you can to let things go. Of course, this is after you scream, cry, analyze every little detail, drink margaritas, and wallow just a little bit. But whatever. It’s a process, people.
This time last year I had met and was dating the person I truly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was in love, but the type where you kind of forget you were a person before this guy entered your life. It was, sadly, the first relationship I had in my adult life that was relatively healthy. Before, I had dealt with a total domestic violence relationship (where he probably would’ve seriously ended up hurting me if I didn’t walk away) and one where I tried to fix someone from their plethora of fucked-up-ness. I threw myself into this one. I worked long hours just so I could get off early on Friday and go see him. I never saw my friends. I didn’t spend time outside and tan (I know; what the fuck). I spent money on him when he didn’t seem to have any. I didn’t spend time with my family. This is after we were together every day for the academy, mind you. And looking back, it was terrible.
Interestingly enough, when we graduated and went to our offices, things changed very, very rapidly. He decided to be married to the job (word of advice for anyone considering a career in law enforcement: don’t go down that road/don’t date a fellow employee). He became mean spirited; I was no longer beautiful or the best thing that ever happened to him, and I was this awful person because I come from a wonderful family who is very supportive of me, both financially and emotionally. We fought every time we turned around. And I’m talking screaming matches (me) and shutting down and slamming doors (him).
However, I didn’t recognize this until after we broke up. When we did, I was so incredibly devastated. I cried all the time. I couldn’t eat (the Lord blessed me with having no appetite when upset, but being hyperglycemic. Double edge sword), but I drank plenty of wine. Luckily my best friend was there for me, even though I had totally deserted her. I couldn’t have gotten through it without her, many of my other friends, and my family. And luckily, it got better. Even after he blocked me on Facebook (immediately), sent me a check for $10.99 after googling the market value price of a bottle of wine I wanted back (by the way, that bounced, so I get a certified check for $30.99), took forever to give me all my stuff back, and was a dickhead to my family.
I was surrounded by people that loved me. I had time to reflect on things that I did wrong and could’ve done better. I live 45 minutes from the beach and got some late season sun in. I cried. I got angry. I let myself go through the motions and emotions. To me, a bad break up is like a death. You have to mourn the loss.
And, gradually, I realized that I had to forgive him. There was still a huge weight on my chest about it. Being angry with him was doing nothing but making me bitter. So, part of my New Year’s resolution was to let it go. And I did.
Fast forward to July 5, 2014. I was walking back to my friend’s house last night after dinner to put my sunglasses away before we went out for a little while. My phone went off, and when I checked it, there was a MD number I didn’t recognize. And then I did. 10 months after one of the worst break ups of my life, I had what I wanted. An apology text message. He wanted me to know he was sorry he had hurt me and for the way he treated me. And he was sorry that he had broken up with me the way he did (a phone call after I was with him all weekend. YEAH.).
I didn’t answer right away. I had a million questions, but wasn’t sure I wanted him to know that. I had to mull it over. So then, today, I answered and told him that I appreciated the gesture, but I had forgiven him months ago. I wasn’t holding on to any negative energy. And I wished him good luck.
That was one of the most satisfying moments of my life. For someone who did me so dirty to realize that they did not have any hold over me. That my life is wonderful regardless. I must be growing up. And it feels damn good to know that it may take a while, but karma comes around. And you get what you deserve.
Hey by the way, do you think he could see the “fuck you” in the fine print? 🙂