Ipsy Bag September 2014

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I loved the little bag the make up came in this month. I love studs and would put them on everything at risk of being tacky. I was very excited for the bag, and here’s a list of what’s in it:

– Alterna Haircare CC Cream ($25 full sized)- This is a pretty cool concept; a “CC” cream for your hair. They’re literally everywhere for your complexion so why not try it for hair? This smell of this is really strong, so I’m waiting to use this. I want to make sure I can wash it out if it gives me a headache.

-Infinity Shadow/Crease Duet Brush by Crown Brush – I can’t find the price of this brush online. However, it’s really nice and soft. I’m excited to put it to use.

-Hot Singles Eye Shadow by NYX in Addiction ($4.50 full sized)- I love NYX. I have said it a million times, and I’ll say it again! Their products are high quality for a cheap price. I liked this color, except that it’s a little darker than what I normally wear. It will be nice to try during the winter months.

-Natural Waterproof Eye Pencil by Pacifica in Gun Metal ($11 full sized)- I really like the color of this eye pencil. It goes on smooth and is long lasting. I just wish there was a little less glitter in the color, and it seems to spread over time. It is a pretty color.

-Art Touch Tinted Lip Gloss in Basic Instinct by Cailyn ($19 full sized)- This is a full sized product, so it definitely paid for itself. However, the color is not at all flattering on me. It’s also rather sticky. I will not be using this product in my beauty regime.

How was your Ipsy experience this month?

This super cryptic/emo blog post is mostly for me. Or you. If you get what the hell I’m saying.

One of my favorite things to do is torture myself with “what ifs” and “maybes.”

Just kidding. I actually like sleep and not having anxiety.

Why is it that you can put someone out of your mind for an extended period of time and then all of a sudden, BOOM. There they are. In the forefront of your brain. On your Facebook/Twitter/Instagram feed. Taunting your big feelings. And you can’t shake them! You’re engrossed in a task at work and there’s a tiny voice in the back of your mind repeating their name. You’re laughing, and all of a sudden you’re taken over by a memory you’ve had with that person and it just changes your mood totally. 

I have recently ended a dating saga with this guy I thought was super cool, but am now realizing we are just way too different to mesh. When presented with that fact, he fucking ghosted. Poof, gone. Which is cool, and I’m glad that it happened after 3 dates rather than 30.

However, I guess with him out of my bubble, I am stuck with memories of a previous “relationship.” If that’s what you would call it. It’s more like an on again, off again, tit for tat, I am obsessed with you but I fucking hate you so much, let’s pretend we don’t know each other, I miss you so much, all out civil war. And it is so frustrating. And it hurts the feelings I like to pretend I don’t have. And it makes me emotionally unavailable for the guys who don’t want to fuck with my head. And it sucks you guys. It SUCKS.

I guess it’s partially my fault. I let this person back into my life when it took about a year to get him out of my heart in the first place. That was a long time ago. And I guess I was just hoping we had both grown up enough to quit playing games and be legitimate and act right. But that was not the case.

It started out awesome. I mean, seriously great. Like Cloud 9 type shit. And out of nowhere, it got ugly. Like call your best-friend-at-3-am-after-being-iced-out-for-no-reason-hysterical type ugly. I have no idea what happened. I still don’t. When asked, I got fed a crock of bullshit, which is nothing new. The fact that I don’t know what the fuck happened eats at me hard. 

I tried so hard to let the past be in the past, but it didn’t stay there. It reared it’s ugly head and put a giant lump in my throat I couldn’t swallow. So I shut down and decided to play games twice as seriously. I don’t deal well with hurt, so I fight back. Which doesn’t work for anyone, mostly me. And it didn’t. So I pushed it out of my head and focused on other things and pretended I couldn’t give a shit less.

But here I am. Caring. And wishing that if I was patient, he would grow the hell up and it would fix itself. 

Apparently that is not in the plan.