I’m a control freak 

Yep, you read that right. A straight up, plan everything to a T, determine how things will go, controlling control freak.

I’m 25. I can admit that about myself. I’ve done a lot the past year that’s been a total quarter life crisis wake up call.

I couldn’t control my ex dying. I can’t control that I, unlike what I thought, have not found a house worth buying yet. I can’t control my coworkers. I can’t control what occurs around me. I can’t control how people treat me.

However, I can control how I react. I can control who I let into my personal life. I can say no to a house I do not want. I can miss my ex, without guilt. I can kick people out who treat me wrong.

Here’s to 2016. Here’s to letting God have that control that I so badly want. Here’s to having control over not having any control. Here’s to living life and laughing and crying without any guilt.

Here’s to no control whatsoever. 

Miss Indepedent

Inevitably, at least once a week, I’m asked if I’m dating anyone. When I say no, the follow up is always “but why?”

People are floored when I tell them I am truly not interested in dating right now. This was solidified the other night during this standard conversation. The person asking turned, sighed, and said “you are so independent.”

Independence has always been something I pride myself on. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become ferocious. I don’t mind going places alone or even going out to lunch by myself. I enjoy my own company.

I also hate the question “when are you going to have kids?” I don’t know. I don’t know if I even want children. Shocking, I know. But I am a person all on my own; I am not a shell that is waiting to create babies to give my life purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships that I thought would end in marriage. I’ve dated men who I very much wanted to make children with. However, I was never the type who planned her children’s names and wedding colors before getting my driver’s license. I was much more focused on getting into a career I adored. 

I have had a turbulent year, but I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I am about to buy a house by myself. I’m back in school. I love my job. I have great friends and family. I enjoy life on a daily basis.

When did independence become so rare that people either admire or abhor it? 

 Why do people act like I’m supposed to wait for someone to complete me?

Word therapy

I’ve been struggling with a few things here lately. I just turned 25 Saturday, and a part of me is wondering if I’m “behind” for this age group. Sure, I have a job I love making decent money, and I have an apartment at the beach (something I’ve always wanted), but I am very much single. What’s more, I’ve allowed the ex that broke my heart back into my life.

I know. Please don’t yell at me. But I loved him so much, the kind of love that doesn’t go away, even if you hate that person to the nth degree. We’re not getting back together. He swears that he can’t (homeboy has more issues than a Times subscription), and I don’t think my pride would allow it. But that hasn’t stopped him from fucking with me.

So today, I’m promising myself a few things.

Today, I will…

  1. Be the keeper of my own happiness.
  2. Fake it until I feel happy.
  3. Not allow someone talking to me (or not speaking to me) effect how my day will go.
  4. Not talk to my ex.
  5. Forgive myself for what happened yesterday or last month or last year.

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, or if we’ll ever speak again. I can’t control what he does. I can only control myself, and I have to allow that to be enough for today.

Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal

Merry Christmas, y’all. I hope your day yesterday was filled with love and happiness and that Santa didn’t judge you too much and was pretty good to you.

I can’t believe that in 5 short days we’ll be celebrating New Year’s Eve. 2014 has been a year of crazy changes and growth. 2015 promises to be even crazier. In 6 days I move into my new apartment at the beach. In 2 months I’ll be 25. I am so excited to start this new part of my life and hope there are so wonderful changes ahead.

That being said, I can’t help but play a little bit into the “new year, new me” saga a time change brings. Although, it’s not really me trying to be a new person; every year, I get more comfortable in my skin and like myself more. I don’t want to start over again. However, we can always grow as a person, and a new year is a great way to kick yourself in the ass to start that process.

Here’s what I plan to accomplish:

1. Join the gym and stick with it. Where I live right now (my hometown), the people who go to the gym are not only people I’ve known forever, but are also the ones who “TRAIN INSANE OR REMAIN THE SAME!!!!” I don’t give a shit about paleo, I don’t want to be able to lift double my body weight, and I sure as hell don’t want judgmental looks while I’m sweating my ass off. There’s a gym right down from my apartment that is only $10 a month with free classes where I won’t know a soul except my roommate. I have no excuse. I need to get in there, especially in the winter months, because my  energy level just tanks, and I feel gross. I know consistent exercise will help curb those problems.

2. Let go of negativity. In high school, I had a friend who was only happy when something was wrong. At first, it was exhausting, but after a while, I felt myself get sucked into it. We bitched about everything and anything. My mom finally pulled me aside and pointed out that behavior was toxic, and I was becoming just as bad as she was. Ever since, I’ve tried to avoid people with that character flaw. Lately, I’ve noticed some people I spend time with exhibit this behavior. I have to start being positive in the face of their negativity, or it’ll eat me alive.

3. Stop allowing people who suck have so much control. This is self explanatory. People who don’t have my best interest in mind and bring poison to my life have to go, regardless of how long I’ve known them and what kind of relationship it is.

4. Budget, budget, budget. I am horrible about this one, but moving out on my own for the first official time (college doesn’t count) is going to make me figure it out. I need to stop eating out when I’ve taken the time to make lunch. I need to also get off my ass and cook for myself more often. It’s fine to eat out occasionally, but it shouldn’t be something I want, not a $8 sandwich on a total whim.

5. Get on a routine. I won’t sugar coat it, I’m really lucky that my job doesn’t always require me to be in work on time as long as I get my 40 hours in. I also wear khakis and a polo and hardly any make up. But that doesn’t mean I can’t get my ass out of bed in the AM, get a work out in, shower, and eat a damn good breakfast! I do a disservice to myself but not getting my ass in gear in the AM. No more getting out of bed 15 minutes before I have to leave my house. Plus, if I do that, I can’t hit up the Starbucks right down the street. 🙂

Ipsy and Love With Food December 2014

Can you believe that 2015 (and Christmas!) are only a few weeks away? Me either. Here I am, back from a 2 month hiatus (my bad), to review food and beauty products.


1. AHA 3% Facial Cleanser by Beauty Without Cruelty ($11.95 full sized)- I love the smell of this, and I love even more that it’s cruelty free and organic. I would buy all organic beauty products if they were more affordable. Some people posted that it was drying, but I haven’t noticed any difference. I use my Burts Bees moisturizer this time of year regardless. It does run a higher risk of sunburn, so I only use this product at night.

2. Boost Repair Treatment by Coolway ($29.95 full sized)- My hair is very oily and has gotten worse here lately (anyone have tips on how to fix that?), so I don’t use hair masks much. I’m sure it helps dry and damaged hair. It smells good too.

3. Butter Lip Balm by NYX Cosmetics in Marshmallow ($4.00)- I love NYX. LOVE it. I was disappointed at first when I saw the color of this balm in my bag. However, I was in for a surprise. The color and feel is wonderful, and the color allows for me to wear it to work or out at night. This is easily a staple for me.

4. Fairy Dust by Pixi by Petra ($10)- This product was full sized, but I had no idea what it was until going on Ipsy. Apparently this is used to make shadow pop, but the applicator sucks and does nothing but make a mess. I haven’t tried it yet to get a full report, but it seems like a frivolous beauty product.

5. deluxe lights, camera, lashes 4-in-1 mascara by tart ($20 full sized)- Let’s just have a moment of silence for how freaking awesome this product is. Oh. My. God. My lashes looked fake they were so long! I am so pleased with this product and it will make it’s way into my shopping cart!


The coconut candies, kettle corn, and cookie chips were the best part of my box this month. Want to sign up and receive gluten free, non-GMO, organic snacks every month PLUS donate a meal to a hungry child? Click below:


Look guys, I’m still alive!

I’m sorry I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. If you’re still following me, I love you, you are the bomb, cheers to you!

October is always crazy busy, but to compound that, I just switched from a domestic violence caseload to a sex offender caseload. That meant working every one of the events we do for Halloween. It also meant more to learn at work so a little more stress (so more wine, but hey, who’s counting?).

I got out of the groove come November, and just couldn’t get back into it. Honestly, I’m out of the groove on a lot…blogging, eating healthy, exercise, being optimistic. I swear, I have seasonal depression. This time of year, I can’t motivate myself to get in action, be happy, and get shit done. I’ve bought tanning packages in the past, and they’ve only mildly helped (not to mention the skin cancer risk).

However, I’ve vowed to get myself back in the swing of things. For me, that means list making, like what lunches to prepare for the next week and what work outs to do on certain days based on my work schedule. I try not to kill myself over exercise, especially after a rough day at work. For instance, on Mondays, I work about 10 hours, and a 1/3 of my caseload comes to see me. It’s exhausting, so I pat myself on the back for 20 minutes on the elliptical. It’s better than nothing at all! My fitbit helps as well; I’m always amazed at how much I walk around the office on reporting days. If you’re looking for a fitness tracker, check out the fitbit. I’m actually upgrading to the Fitbit Charge, thanks to Amazon’s deal; they were only $99 on Black Friday, rather than the normal $125, and I didn’t have to leave my couch.

I have missed you guys and will be back very soon.

How do you get back into the groove of things after a lull?

Women’s Lib Post Ahead

Don’t worry y’all, I have two blog posts waiting in the wings. One is about make up, the other about nail polish. Rest assured, I will not be giving up my girly posts.

However, this blog has become a place for me to describe the jumble of thoughts in my head that are pressing to get out, lest they leak through my ears. I won’t give up on make up, nail polish, and of course, FOOD, posts, but I feel the need to discuss this topic that’s been burning a hole in my pocket.

Yesterday, I went to the dentist to get a tooth fixed (I grind my teeth, and one of those suckers broke). I was running late from work, so I went to the appointment in full uniform, with my gun on. As it’s been stated before, I live in a really small town, and the dentist I’ve been going to has been the same one I’ve gone to since I was little. Thus, I know all the hygienists there as well.

As I was sitting in the chair waiting for the procedure chatting with one of the women, a woman whose known me since Sunday School came roaring into the office and immediately, with a mild undertone of disbelief, said “What in the world job do YOU do that requires you to carry a gun?!” When I smiled and said “I’m a probation officer,” she replied; “But you’ve always been so….girly.”

Let me break here to enter this shocking PSA: I am used to this question. When I started this job, I used to enjoy that people would ask me this question. I am 5’4″ and curvy/athletic (on a good day), with a penchant for dresses, make up, and heels. I love jewelry (I’ve bulked up on stud earrings since this job). Spiders scare me. I’m a big fan of lipstick. I don’t know jack shit about cars. I don’t look like a probation officer, or someone who would carry a firearm to work, or someone who would enforce the law.

However, in the year and some change I’ve had this job, my attitude toward that question has changed. What does a probation officer actually look like? A man. That’s the blatant, painfully obvious answer.

I’m not angry about it. It just bothers me. It bothers me when people ask me what I do and then are amazed by my response (I usually get teacher, which I answer with a resound “Absolutely fucking not”). It bothers me when people ask my parents what I do for a living and are floored with their response (and my parents are pretty proud of me). It bothers me when strangers or people I’ve just met laugh and say “No, seriously, what do you do?”

As a female in law enforcement, I’m supposed to fit this stereotype. I’m supposed to be tall, bulky, with super short hair, not be interested in typical “feminine” things, and probably, and sorry to be blunt, be a lesbian. There are women in law enforcement who may fit into one of those adjectives, but regardless if we do or do not, that does not mean that women are not capable of being in this profession.

When I took this job, my best friend said to me, “You were made to do this. You are the only person I know who can handle it.” And she didn’t mean a thing about my look. She meant that I’m confident, courageous, and can hold my own. She meant it as a compliment. She knew I could still keep my femininity and be a kick ass woman in a man’s world. And the women who are in law enforcement can do just that. For God’s sake, we’re WOMEN; we wear multiple hats as it is.

People of the world, remember; just because we wear khakis, a polo, and boots to work, doesn’t mean we can’t rock a LBD, heels, and some red lipstick. I can kick your ass in either.