Miss Indepedent

Inevitably, at least once a week, I’m asked if I’m dating anyone. When I say no, the follow up is always “but why?”

People are floored when I tell them I am truly not interested in dating right now. This was solidified the other night during this standard conversation. The person asking turned, sighed, and said “you are so independent.”

Independence has always been something I pride myself on. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become ferocious. I don’t mind going places alone or even going out to lunch by myself. I enjoy my own company.

I also hate the question “when are you going to have kids?” I don’t know. I don’t know if I even want children. Shocking, I know. But I am a person all on my own; I am not a shell that is waiting to create babies to give my life purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships that I thought would end in marriage. I’ve dated men who I very much wanted to make children with. However, I was never the type who planned her children’s names and wedding colors before getting my driver’s license. I was much more focused on getting into a career I adored. 

I have had a turbulent year, but I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I am about to buy a house by myself. I’m back in school. I love my job. I have great friends and family. I enjoy life on a daily basis.

When did independence become so rare that people either admire or abhor it? 

 Why do people act like I’m supposed to wait for someone to complete me?

I can’t stop thinking about babies, but not why you think.

Let me start by saying that I am totally, completely, sometimes painfully, single.

I am not seeing anyone. I tried match.com, hated it, and deactivated my subscription. I don’t like meeting random guys at the bars because well…yeah. My job doesn’t exactly lend itself to meeting men (plus I swear to God that Troopers practice arranged marriages/Mom always told me to be a cop’s SECOND wife). I have a few guys I talk to occasionally, but nothing promising.

And to be even more honest with you, I’m not sure I have any desire to be in a relationship right now. The whole process of learning who someone is romantically, getting intimate, having him meet my family, integrating him with my friends, and just plain giving up being selfish to do what I want to do when I want to do it sounds smothering.

However, at almost 25 in a small town, everyone around me is getting married or having kids or both. So, of course, I can’t help but consider what kind of mother I’d be when the time comes.

Actually, let me clarify; IF that time comes. Don’t get me wrong, motherhood looks incredible, and I bet it’s amazing to have a child grow inside of you. My mom is my best friend, and I am thankful for her everyday.

But motherhood just seems to be so…much. Crying babies in restaurants annoy the shit out of me. Kids who run around and wreak havoc as moms look on drive me nuts. Babies are cute, but they all look the same. And no, I don’t give a shit about your kid eating gluten free and avoiding red dye like the plague.

People tell me I will change my mind. And I may. I may meet the love of my life and want to reproduce with him. I also may stay unmarried but feel that pull to have or adopt a child. But if I don’t and continue to feel this way, does this make me less of a woman? I’d like to think not.

Regardless, where did all these children come from?!