Dreams can heal

On June 28, 2015, my ex boyfriend died of a drug overdose. He was 25 and an amazing person. Heroin stole him from the people who loved him.

But since I don’t feel like I’m drowning today, that’s all I will say about that. 

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was back in college for a race that was running and swimming. My friends were all there, and all of a sudden, he walked up to me and said hello. 

Everyone around me kept whispering that they thought he was dead. He told me that he was there to be my partner and helps me through the race. I jumped into his arms (he was 6’4″ to my 5’4″) and hugged him. I wasn’t sad. I was just so happy he was there.

As the race went on, I realized how healthy he looked. And further, I realized that he never left my side. When we were together and he relapsed, I would lose him often for 30 minutes at a time. He would make an excuse, but I knew what he was doing. There were no needle marks either. I kept touching his arms and noticed they were clear. His scar on his forearm (he put his arm through a glass door when he was a kid) was even gone. I even told him I was sorry to be so clingy to him, but I missed him so much and he looked so happy and healthy.

He smiled at me and said “I’m happy and healthy where I am now, babe.” And then I woke up.

I’ve struggled so badly with his passing. Contrary to what you may think, I’ve never been a drug user. I just loved him so much it didn’t matter. I still love him. I can’t understand the addiction that overtook his life, nor can I understand why God took him.

But I am so thankful for the time I spent with him. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am even more thankful for God and him coming into my dreams and telling me that he’s okay; he’s clean, sober, happy, and God’s got him.

If he can’t be on earth with us, I couldn’t ask for much else.

I miss you, babe; always. 

24 things I’ve learned in 24 years

Surprisingly, I am not currently tired, even after standing in the rain for 2 loooong hours today. But that’s another story.

I started listening to Mayday Parade (oh yeah. I went there. I still love them. My inner emo kid is alive and well.) and perusing the internet, because I hate laying in bed just willing yourself to go the hell to sleep. I started reading random posts online and one was about life lessons. Well, hey, I’m living life. I can’t sleep. I like force feeding people my thoughts. I can write a post about that. Easy.

Let me just say ahead of time, do as I say, not as I do. Many of these “lessons” are a work in progress. I’m learning here, too.

 

1. Get rid of all the toxic bullshit in your life. If it no longer serves you, makes you happy, or makes you a better person, let it go. You will have much more room for the good in your life. 

2. Don’t let heartbreak make you cold. Getting hurt is awful. But allowing it to shut you away from love is worse. Build a fence around your heart, not a fortress.

3. Second chances are earned, not given. Give them to people sparingly. 

4. Go with your gut. I have to listen to mine on a daily basis in my career field. I’ve learned to listen to it. If I get a bad feeling about someone or a situation in my personal life, I don’t go through with it. Your instincts are usually spot on.

5. You don’t have to have a good reason, you can just say no. People who love you will not press you for follow up.

6. Make a budget and stick to it. Do you really need that totally ridiculous thing that you’ll forget about 2 days from now? If you budget your money, you can afford something kickass and timeless down the line.

7. Spend time alone with yourself. Get to know who you are. Me time is chicken soup for the soul. I do not trust anyone who tells me they are constantly “bored” when they’re alone. Learn to like yourself.

8. Be kind to yourself. You’ll encounter negativity regularly from the outside world. Be easy on yourself.

9. Exercise is the best form of therapy. I’ve learned to cope with anxiety, anger, and sadness that way. Cheapest form of self-help there is.

10. Don’t date your coworkers. I’ve made this mistake in my professional, grown up life. Luckily, he works 2 hours away. Even luckier, I can laugh about it, because I get teased on a daily basis about it. Which leads me to…

11. Learn to laugh at yourself. It’s the best way to get through a mistake. Or, ya know, dating someone who can easily be made fun of. 

12. When someone tells you something about themselves, believe them. You can’t change that. I once had someone tell me that whenever they get in trouble, they find themselves lying to get out of it. Uh, hello. Red, giant warning flag!

13. Speak up for what you want. Women of the world, this doesn’t make you a bitch! If you want a raise, respect, some help with the damn dishes, TELL THE APPROPRIATE PERSON! People can’t read minds. You have to tell em! 

14. They way people treat you has everything to do with them. You can demand respect all day long, but some people just aren’t going to step up and be good humans. This is their character flaw, not yours. Handle it with grace, and move on.

15. Classics in your closet are a damn good idea. Nude heels, black pumps, an LBD, something that makes you feel wildly sexy. Whatever that is, have it around when you need it. 

16. Find something you’re passionate about. It doesn’t matter what that may be. People are their most beautiful when talking about something their passionate about. Find your niche. 

17. Floss your teeth. Trust me. I could have saved my mouth a lot of pain if I would’ve started when I was told to.

18. Be able to cook at least one delicious meal. I can hardly follow a recipe, but I have a few tried and true winners. It’s nice to have a plan in case I need it.

19. Living at home with your parents is nothing to be ashamed of. Uh hello? This is my life right now. I’m saving a ton of money. And I’m so not sorry about it.

20. Change your mind, then change it again. Then go back to your first decision. You’re young. Don’t pressure yourself to make the perfect decision the first time, every time.

21. Stick with one type of beverage when you go out drinkin’. Yeah. I’m still learning this. My hangovers are a good reminder to stick to it. 

22. Social media is dangerous. Be careful what you post. Bitching about work, pictures of you doing body shots, bullying…just say no. Corporate HBIC you will thank 20-something you later.

23. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t hinge it on a boy, a friend, a job, today’s weather. Those things change. Finding happiness within yourself (I know, totally touchy-feely) will allow you to maintain it through the highs and lows.

24. It’s okay to be a little bit of a hot mess. You’re learning. You’re not perfect. Yes, you had 4 margaritas on a Thursday, and your head hurts, and you told your ex you miss him. But fuck it. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you’re doing pretty damn good.   

I have a hamsa obsession and other things I want to tell you guys

Whoo-hoo! Two entries in 1 night. It’s getting wild in here, y’all. 

I love Buddhist jewelry. I love the sentiment of all the symbols. I think they’re so neat. Whenever I decide to man up, I plan on getting a hamsa tattoo. I haven’t gotten a new one since I was 21, and I’m starting to think it’s a lot like going back to school: the longer you wait, the harder it is to go back. Hey, no one ever said I was a good influence.

Image

 

These are some hamsa pieces I made a few nights ago. They also happen to be #13-#15. I have no idea if I’ll actually make it to 100, but hey, at least I’m still following my resolution!

I also promised you guys I would start being more “me” with you. So, I found this cool challenge on Pinterest of 30 topics to blog about. They’re pretty personal, but I’m going to attempt to go through them all. 

#1: Five ways to win your heart.

Shew, let’s dump myself straight into vulnerable territory. I hate being vulnerable; I’d rather do anything else than put my heart on my sleeve. My partner at work tells me all the time that he’s pretty positive I have no heart (thanks dude). I’m trying to work on it, though, because I figure no one knows how you feel if you don’t tell them. And if it’s negative, how will they fix it? It’s a complete work in progress, though; I am awful at it. But I digress.

1. Know who you are. There is nothing more attractive that will win me over than knowing yourself. Embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly. Own the room you walk into, light it up. I love being the significant other of someone that people are drawn to.

2. Have a passion. I swear I have undiagnosed ADD, but no matter how boring I think something is, if the person who is telling me about it has an obvious passion that shines through, I will be entranced. People who have a passion for something just have a glow about them.

3. Show me you care. Good morning texts, flowers, planning something fun, brag about something I did that you think is awesome, ask about something you know I care about deeply, all of it is awesome. I don’t need the moon. I just need you to show you care.

4. Love your family. Look, all of our families drive us crazy. My dad and I have the same temper, my mom will purposely push my buttons, and my brother chews loudly. I love the shit out of all of them. Tell me how much you love your parents, or your grandma, or how proud you are of your brother. It shows me that you have a structure in your life and cherish the little things that many people don’t have. I get that we all have skeletons. But that’s why we have our families; to help us take them out of the closet and make em dance. 

5. Give me space to be myself. I have been told by many, many, MANY people in my life that it’s going to take a special man to “deal” with my strong personality. First of all, I don’t want to be “dealt” with. I want to be loved for who I am. I’m a pain in the ass, I have a temper, I’m stubborn as hell, and I need to occasionally be told when I’m being ridiculous. But I need a man who can reign me in, while simultaneously giving me the space to be my own person and loving me all at once. Don’t try and break me down. I’ll be gone before you know what happened. 

 

How about y’all? What 5 things to win your heart?

 

Change is coming

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately (and by that, I mean staying in on weekends, drinking wine, and stalking some of my favorite bloggers), and I think that I’ve been lying to you guys a little bit with this blog. So, first, I apologize for lying. I hate liars. I wish their pants actually caught on fire so you’d know. I also hate liars because my job requires me to get lied to for 40 hours a week (with some occasional hilarity), so in my personal life, I prefer honesty and fun.

Anyway, I’ve decided that this blog needs to be less about sunshine and rainbows and more about what my day to day life is actually about. I’m not going to abandon my craft posts (I have 4 in my back pocket, don’t you fret), my coupon posts, or my make up posts, because I am still a typical female in that sense. But I think it’s time to get a little more real about where I’m at in life so that I can cringe about it down the line. I’m 24 years old, weird as shit, and have a lot of feelings (like that girl in Mean Girls, but less romantic and more cynical). I have a penchant for the “f word,” which drives my mother crazy and means I will never marry a classy, upper class (aka rich), gentleman. I am drawn to people who have issues and also enjoy a good sentence (aka curse word) enhancer. I don’t know if I ever want to get married, which is a big anomaly where I live, but I do want children (my best friends know that I plan to adopt an Asian baby and name her Sunny if I actually don’t get married). I am offensive and often shocked by what comes out of my mouth, just like the people I speak to. Mayonnaise, scrapple/sausage, sandpaper, and clowns freak me the hell out. My anxiety is chronic (I will not fly again until they tell me what happened to that Malaysian plane), but also ridiculous (just ask my Mom. She’s been on the receiving end of my weird freak outs). I read Post Secret every Sunday even though it makes me cry. I have high fashion taste on a McDonalds budget (now I’m hungry). I’m trying to figure myself out just like the rest of the world. 

So, here’s my apology, you wonderful (but few) people who read this blog. I will no longer act like I have my shit together. Because I don’t. And I hope that we can somehow bond over that truth.