I’m a control freak 

Yep, you read that right. A straight up, plan everything to a T, determine how things will go, controlling control freak.

I’m 25. I can admit that about myself. I’ve done a lot the past year that’s been a total quarter life crisis wake up call.

I couldn’t control my ex dying. I can’t control that I, unlike what I thought, have not found a house worth buying yet. I can’t control my coworkers. I can’t control what occurs around me. I can’t control how people treat me.

However, I can control how I react. I can control who I let into my personal life. I can say no to a house I do not want. I can miss my ex, without guilt. I can kick people out who treat me wrong.

Here’s to 2016. Here’s to letting God have that control that I so badly want. Here’s to having control over not having any control. Here’s to living life and laughing and crying without any guilt.

Here’s to no control whatsoever. 

Miss Indepedent

Inevitably, at least once a week, I’m asked if I’m dating anyone. When I say no, the follow up is always “but why?”

People are floored when I tell them I am truly not interested in dating right now. This was solidified the other night during this standard conversation. The person asking turned, sighed, and said “you are so independent.”

Independence has always been something I pride myself on. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become ferocious. I don’t mind going places alone or even going out to lunch by myself. I enjoy my own company.

I also hate the question “when are you going to have kids?” I don’t know. I don’t know if I even want children. Shocking, I know. But I am a person all on my own; I am not a shell that is waiting to create babies to give my life purpose.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in relationships that I thought would end in marriage. I’ve dated men who I very much wanted to make children with. However, I was never the type who planned her children’s names and wedding colors before getting my driver’s license. I was much more focused on getting into a career I adored. 

I have had a turbulent year, but I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I am about to buy a house by myself. I’m back in school. I love my job. I have great friends and family. I enjoy life on a daily basis.

When did independence become so rare that people either admire or abhor it? 

 Why do people act like I’m supposed to wait for someone to complete me?

Dreams can heal

On June 28, 2015, my ex boyfriend died of a drug overdose. He was 25 and an amazing person. Heroin stole him from the people who loved him.

But since I don’t feel like I’m drowning today, that’s all I will say about that. 

I had a wonderful dream last night. I was back in college for a race that was running and swimming. My friends were all there, and all of a sudden, he walked up to me and said hello. 

Everyone around me kept whispering that they thought he was dead. He told me that he was there to be my partner and helps me through the race. I jumped into his arms (he was 6’4″ to my 5’4″) and hugged him. I wasn’t sad. I was just so happy he was there.

As the race went on, I realized how healthy he looked. And further, I realized that he never left my side. When we were together and he relapsed, I would lose him often for 30 minutes at a time. He would make an excuse, but I knew what he was doing. There were no needle marks either. I kept touching his arms and noticed they were clear. His scar on his forearm (he put his arm through a glass door when he was a kid) was even gone. I even told him I was sorry to be so clingy to him, but I missed him so much and he looked so happy and healthy.

He smiled at me and said “I’m happy and healthy where I am now, babe.” And then I woke up.

I’ve struggled so badly with his passing. Contrary to what you may think, I’ve never been a drug user. I just loved him so much it didn’t matter. I still love him. I can’t understand the addiction that overtook his life, nor can I understand why God took him.

But I am so thankful for the time I spent with him. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am even more thankful for God and him coming into my dreams and telling me that he’s okay; he’s clean, sober, happy, and God’s got him.

If he can’t be on earth with us, I couldn’t ask for much else.

I miss you, babe; always. 

Sorry I’ve been gone so long

It really sucks when people let you down..family, friends, coworkers, etc. But it sucks even more when it’s a significant other.

I don’t know about you, but I think one of the best parts about being in a relationship is having that person there for you. They celebrate triumphs, they commiserate failures, and they squelch fears. They take our hand and tell us to relax. They sit by when you need to just unload about the stressful day you have. They laugh when you tell a funny story or something humorous that happened to you. They’re just…there to live life with you.

My on-again, off-again ex and I had been on-again here lately. We were talking daily, he visited me, among other things. We had talked about getting back together, but he had some personal issues to deal with before. I was fine with that. I understand and can respect waiting until you give your all in the relationship.

Until a few days ago.

I despise requalifying with my firearm for work. I just get so nervous and work myself up for no reason. It’s fair to say I dread it.

I had discussed this with him and he had said some kind words to me. However, the day of, I heard nothing from him. No words of encouragement. No words asking how it went. And a full 36 hours later, still nothing.

I was upset, but then it hit me. I am not his girlfriend. He has gone out of his way to make sure that I’m not. He doesn’t have to listen to my fears or be there for me or help my anxiety. He doesn’t owe me jack shit.

And that made my heart break again…just a tiny bit.

(By the way….I rocked the fuck out of it).

Snapchats from Satan

Do you ever look at a situation that’s effecting your life and wonder how you would’ve handled it 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years ago?

I’ve noticed a change in myself recently in the way I handle a failed relationship. For instance, I went on a date last Friday, and there was no spark. It was fine, nothing bad happened, but there was nothing there. A year ago, I’m sure I would’ve thought that I should force it or else I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve grown enough that I know I should just let it go.

Turns out I was right, too. He spent last night staring at my roommate and I from across the bar and shit talking the “girls in the gray sweatshirts.”

I also noticed it for the month and a half that my ex was trying to come back into my life (and my vagina. Is that crass?). He said some really mean shit to me (Ie: he couldn’t treat me like a decent human being, he was just incapable of it), which would have sent me over the edge when I dated him over a year ago. But instead, I changed his name to Satan in Snapchat and my phone, told him good luck with his sad little life, and rolled on.

Life is all about perspective, right? We can allow someone’s actions to ruin our day and our attitude, which, in turn, allows us to become someone the people who truly love and care about us have no desire to be around. Or, we can decide to not drink the miserable Kool Aid of the person who is trying to drag us to their level, laugh, and move on.

Every day is a chance to be a better, happier person. Every day we have the chance to give something to the world and be kind to those around us. You can’t do that if you’re busy playing into other people’s bullshit. You can’t do that if you check your phone every 5 minutes for a Snapchat from Satan. Instead, we need to put the phone down, smile more, and hush that demon voice in your head that tells you that you can’t do something or you’re fat or you’ll never be married or that you can’t accomplish your goals.

Plus, who wants to have a Snapchat argument with Satan anyway?

24 things I’ve learned in 24 years

Surprisingly, I am not currently tired, even after standing in the rain for 2 loooong hours today. But that’s another story.

I started listening to Mayday Parade (oh yeah. I went there. I still love them. My inner emo kid is alive and well.) and perusing the internet, because I hate laying in bed just willing yourself to go the hell to sleep. I started reading random posts online and one was about life lessons. Well, hey, I’m living life. I can’t sleep. I like force feeding people my thoughts. I can write a post about that. Easy.

Let me just say ahead of time, do as I say, not as I do. Many of these “lessons” are a work in progress. I’m learning here, too.

 

1. Get rid of all the toxic bullshit in your life. If it no longer serves you, makes you happy, or makes you a better person, let it go. You will have much more room for the good in your life. 

2. Don’t let heartbreak make you cold. Getting hurt is awful. But allowing it to shut you away from love is worse. Build a fence around your heart, not a fortress.

3. Second chances are earned, not given. Give them to people sparingly. 

4. Go with your gut. I have to listen to mine on a daily basis in my career field. I’ve learned to listen to it. If I get a bad feeling about someone or a situation in my personal life, I don’t go through with it. Your instincts are usually spot on.

5. You don’t have to have a good reason, you can just say no. People who love you will not press you for follow up.

6. Make a budget and stick to it. Do you really need that totally ridiculous thing that you’ll forget about 2 days from now? If you budget your money, you can afford something kickass and timeless down the line.

7. Spend time alone with yourself. Get to know who you are. Me time is chicken soup for the soul. I do not trust anyone who tells me they are constantly “bored” when they’re alone. Learn to like yourself.

8. Be kind to yourself. You’ll encounter negativity regularly from the outside world. Be easy on yourself.

9. Exercise is the best form of therapy. I’ve learned to cope with anxiety, anger, and sadness that way. Cheapest form of self-help there is.

10. Don’t date your coworkers. I’ve made this mistake in my professional, grown up life. Luckily, he works 2 hours away. Even luckier, I can laugh about it, because I get teased on a daily basis about it. Which leads me to…

11. Learn to laugh at yourself. It’s the best way to get through a mistake. Or, ya know, dating someone who can easily be made fun of. 

12. When someone tells you something about themselves, believe them. You can’t change that. I once had someone tell me that whenever they get in trouble, they find themselves lying to get out of it. Uh, hello. Red, giant warning flag!

13. Speak up for what you want. Women of the world, this doesn’t make you a bitch! If you want a raise, respect, some help with the damn dishes, TELL THE APPROPRIATE PERSON! People can’t read minds. You have to tell em! 

14. They way people treat you has everything to do with them. You can demand respect all day long, but some people just aren’t going to step up and be good humans. This is their character flaw, not yours. Handle it with grace, and move on.

15. Classics in your closet are a damn good idea. Nude heels, black pumps, an LBD, something that makes you feel wildly sexy. Whatever that is, have it around when you need it. 

16. Find something you’re passionate about. It doesn’t matter what that may be. People are their most beautiful when talking about something their passionate about. Find your niche. 

17. Floss your teeth. Trust me. I could have saved my mouth a lot of pain if I would’ve started when I was told to.

18. Be able to cook at least one delicious meal. I can hardly follow a recipe, but I have a few tried and true winners. It’s nice to have a plan in case I need it.

19. Living at home with your parents is nothing to be ashamed of. Uh hello? This is my life right now. I’m saving a ton of money. And I’m so not sorry about it.

20. Change your mind, then change it again. Then go back to your first decision. You’re young. Don’t pressure yourself to make the perfect decision the first time, every time.

21. Stick with one type of beverage when you go out drinkin’. Yeah. I’m still learning this. My hangovers are a good reminder to stick to it. 

22. Social media is dangerous. Be careful what you post. Bitching about work, pictures of you doing body shots, bullying…just say no. Corporate HBIC you will thank 20-something you later.

23. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t hinge it on a boy, a friend, a job, today’s weather. Those things change. Finding happiness within yourself (I know, totally touchy-feely) will allow you to maintain it through the highs and lows.

24. It’s okay to be a little bit of a hot mess. You’re learning. You’re not perfect. Yes, you had 4 margaritas on a Thursday, and your head hurts, and you told your ex you miss him. But fuck it. If this is the worst thing that ever happens to you, you’re doing pretty damn good.