Today a butterfly landed on my forearm. I moved my arm down to inspect it, and it didn’t move. It turned and just looked at me. After about a minute, it flew away.
On June 28, 2015, my ex boyfriend died of a drug overdose. He was 25 and an amazing person. Heroin stole him from the people who loved him.
But since I don’t feel like I’m drowning today, that’s all I will say about that.
I had a wonderful dream last night. I was back in college for a race that was running and swimming. My friends were all there, and all of a sudden, he walked up to me and said hello.
Everyone around me kept whispering that they thought he was dead. He told me that he was there to be my partner and helps me through the race. I jumped into his arms (he was 6’4″ to my 5’4″) and hugged him. I wasn’t sad. I was just so happy he was there.
As the race went on, I realized how healthy he looked. And further, I realized that he never left my side. When we were together and he relapsed, I would lose him often for 30 minutes at a time. He would make an excuse, but I knew what he was doing. There were no needle marks either. I kept touching his arms and noticed they were clear. His scar on his forearm (he put his arm through a glass door when he was a kid) was even gone. I even told him I was sorry to be so clingy to him, but I missed him so much and he looked so happy and healthy.
He smiled at me and said “I’m happy and healthy where I am now, babe.” And then I woke up.
I’ve struggled so badly with his passing. Contrary to what you may think, I’ve never been a drug user. I just loved him so much it didn’t matter. I still love him. I can’t understand the addiction that overtook his life, nor can I understand why God took him.
But I am so thankful for the time I spent with him. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I am even more thankful for God and him coming into my dreams and telling me that he’s okay; he’s clean, sober, happy, and God’s got him.
If he can’t be on earth with us, I couldn’t ask for much else.
I miss you, babe; always.
It really sucks when people let you down..family, friends, coworkers, etc. But it sucks even more when it’s a significant other.
I don’t know about you, but I think one of the best parts about being in a relationship is having that person there for you. They celebrate triumphs, they commiserate failures, and they squelch fears. They take our hand and tell us to relax. They sit by when you need to just unload about the stressful day you have. They laugh when you tell a funny story or something humorous that happened to you. They’re just…there to live life with you.
My on-again, off-again ex and I had been on-again here lately. We were talking daily, he visited me, among other things. We had talked about getting back together, but he had some personal issues to deal with before. I was fine with that. I understand and can respect waiting until you give your all in the relationship.
Until a few days ago.
I despise requalifying with my firearm for work. I just get so nervous and work myself up for no reason. It’s fair to say I dread it.
I had discussed this with him and he had said some kind words to me. However, the day of, I heard nothing from him. No words of encouragement. No words asking how it went. And a full 36 hours later, still nothing.
I was upset, but then it hit me. I am not his girlfriend. He has gone out of his way to make sure that I’m not. He doesn’t have to listen to my fears or be there for me or help my anxiety. He doesn’t owe me jack shit.
And that made my heart break again…just a tiny bit.
(By the way….I rocked the fuck out of it).
That quote is from my all time favorite book, “You Remind Me of You” by Eireann Corrigan. Whenever I have a question about why I’m doing something, that always pops in my head.
It’s also easy to confuse being comfortable with being in love.
It’s also easy to confuse being nostalgic with being in love.
When someone returns to my life that I feel I didn’t get the right amount of closure on (or when I feel that it just wasn’t over), I seem to forget the bad times and just remember the good. I forget the 6 months it took me to get over him. I forgot how often we argued (once a day). I forgot that he would purposely push my buttons to try and get me to crack, like it was humorous.
Love stories also glamorize the idea that if someone returns to your life after leaving it, it’s “meant to be.” What that fairytale fails to mention is that that door they strolled through should have been dead bolted, double locked, and sealed with concrete. Instead, we decide that it’s a sign (which it is- a sign that they don’t have boundaries, can bend your feelings to suit them, and have little respect for you) that we should try again with thoughts of rainbows and puppies and marriage in our heads.
And then I act surprised when he plays with my feelings to bait me, and then stomps on them again. And I’m shocked when he can’t make time to see me because he’s too “busy.” And I’m floored when he tells me he’s just not sure he’d want to get back together (but hey, we can still sleep together, right?).
Insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results. It’s time for me to get off the roller coaster ride.
Do you ever look at a situation that’s effecting your life and wonder how you would’ve handled it 6 months, 1 year, or 5 years ago?
I’ve noticed a change in myself recently in the way I handle a failed relationship. For instance, I went on a date last Friday, and there was no spark. It was fine, nothing bad happened, but there was nothing there. A year ago, I’m sure I would’ve thought that I should force it or else I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I’ve grown enough that I know I should just let it go.
Turns out I was right, too. He spent last night staring at my roommate and I from across the bar and shit talking the “girls in the gray sweatshirts.”
I also noticed it for the month and a half that my ex was trying to come back into my life (and my vagina. Is that crass?). He said some really mean shit to me (Ie: he couldn’t treat me like a decent human being, he was just incapable of it), which would have sent me over the edge when I dated him over a year ago. But instead, I changed his name to Satan in Snapchat and my phone, told him good luck with his sad little life, and rolled on.
Life is all about perspective, right? We can allow someone’s actions to ruin our day and our attitude, which, in turn, allows us to become someone the people who truly love and care about us have no desire to be around. Or, we can decide to not drink the miserable Kool Aid of the person who is trying to drag us to their level, laugh, and move on.
Every day is a chance to be a better, happier person. Every day we have the chance to give something to the world and be kind to those around us. You can’t do that if you’re busy playing into other people’s bullshit. You can’t do that if you check your phone every 5 minutes for a Snapchat from Satan. Instead, we need to put the phone down, smile more, and hush that demon voice in your head that tells you that you can’t do something or you’re fat or you’ll never be married or that you can’t accomplish your goals.
Plus, who wants to have a Snapchat argument with Satan anyway?
I actually made time to write this blog post today! I don’t go in until 2 today, and there was no way I was going to go to the gym with the way I’ve been feeling; it’s like I have a cold that won’t figure out what the hell it wants to be, except to suck the life out of me. I also have limited myself to 1 hour of social media a day (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) for Lent, so it’s amazing how much extra time I have!
- Mini Lip Gloss by Cargo Cosmetics in Anguilla ($10) – I enjoyed the color of this gloss, and it goes on well. It’s not too sticky either.
- Up All Night Volumizing Spray by Eva NYC ($24 full price)- This product smells amazing. I love that it protects against heat while giving volume, and it doesn’t leave my hair feeling weighed down and greasy.
- Large Angled Face Brush 504 by Luxie Beauty ($16, price cut to $8)- This brush is so soft and is also vegan friendly, something I really appreciate in a beauty product. This will be going into rotation for blush and bronzer application.
- Blush Cheek Powder by ModelCo in Peach Bellini ($22)- I just about fell off my bed when I noticed that this blush is $22. Does it give me Tyra Banks’ cheekbones?
- Natural Eye Liner Pencil by “Pencil Me In” in Amethyst ($6.99)- I love this color. It will especially pop with my brown eyes. However, the reviewers on Ipsy say that it doesn’t go on very smoothly and can take some swipes for a clean application.
The theme for this box is appropriately…Mardi Gras!!
- Lemon Wafer Bites by Dolcetto
- Traditional Hot Chocolate by Monbana (Vegan)
- Olive Oil Potato Chips by Boulder Canyon (Non-GMO, Gluten Free, Vegan)
- Baked Mac N’ Cheese Puffs by Snikiddy (Non-GMO, Gluten Free)
- Milk Chocolate Mini Pieces by Divine Chocolate
- Original Creole Seasoning by Tony Chachere’s (Vegan)
- Protein Almond Honey Bar by Rise Bar (Non-GMO, Gluten Free, 3 ingredients only!)
If you’re interested in trying Love with Food, click the link below:
I’ve been struggling with a few things here lately. I just turned 25 Saturday, and a part of me is wondering if I’m “behind” for this age group. Sure, I have a job I love making decent money, and I have an apartment at the beach (something I’ve always wanted), but I am very much single. What’s more, I’ve allowed the ex that broke my heart back into my life.
I know. Please don’t yell at me. But I loved him so much, the kind of love that doesn’t go away, even if you hate that person to the nth degree. We’re not getting back together. He swears that he can’t (homeboy has more issues than a Times subscription), and I don’t think my pride would allow it. But that hasn’t stopped him from fucking with me.
So today, I’m promising myself a few things.
Today, I will…
- Be the keeper of my own happiness.
- Fake it until I feel happy.
- Not allow someone talking to me (or not speaking to me) effect how my day will go.
- Not talk to my ex.
- Forgive myself for what happened yesterday or last month or last year.
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t know if I will ever see him again, or if we’ll ever speak again. I can’t control what he does. I can only control myself, and I have to allow that to be enough for today.